If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. )
Given my week so far...

My birthday was last week. I didn't feel very well when I woke up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday!" and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday." I thought . . . Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids . . . They will remember. My kids came bounding downstairs to breakfast and didn't say a word, so when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, "Good morning, boss, and by the way, Happy Birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered. )

*please click my dragons*
**Adopt one today! **Adopt one today! **Adopt one today! **Adopt one today! **Adopt one today!
I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11 year
Old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked
Him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and
Solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So,
What was wrong?’

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' )
Turn up your speakers, and hold onto your funnybone!!

http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=6e3_1271712304
Here's a code to use at my webstore to get FREE SHIPPING on a $5 order (usually it's $3 normal shipping or code for free ship @ $20). Expires end of May.

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Here's a joke that had me cracking big time...really loved it:
 
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning ... )
 

Old Men

After his exam the doctor asked the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you'd like to ask me about? )

Groom's Day

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding.

“But, Officer,” the man protested, “I can explain.” )
#1
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.  )

#2
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! )

#3
Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside
Cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap.

Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out.

She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book.

The peace and solitude are magnificent. .

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat..

He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?') )
Forogt my wallet this am - no ID, no money or card, NO SUBWAY CARD. Asked a security guard where nearest grocery store was (before I realized w/o ID, they wouldn't take my check anyhow) & explained the sit. She asked where I was heading (2 stops) & gave me enough for fare. Guess Murphy's busy screwing someone else today.

SO!! Some humor was badly needed - here's some to share.

God, Send Me Money!

Little Johnny wanted $100 for a new bike and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter asking for the money. When the local postmaster saw the letter addressed to “God, USA,” he decided to send it to the President of the United States.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill.  )
BRAIN TRANSPLANT
In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room,where a family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky, but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the BRAIN.

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a time, someone asked, 'How much will a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain; $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward.

Some of the men actually had to'try' to not smile, avoiding eye contact with the women.

A man unable to control his curiosity, finally blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, Why is the male brain so much more than a female brain? )

The Amish and the Elevator
An Amish boy and his parents were visiting a mall. While the mother looked for cotton fabric for a new apron, the father and son stood around, amazed by almost everything they saw. They were especially amazed by two, shiny silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is that, father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."

Could it be a time machine? )

The last one for today(I think):
All sounds of conversation from Sally's stopped. )
The govt job I really want, found out opens next week, and won't be open a super long time - 4-6wks turnaround.
Follow up to K's school conference on Tuesday.
Have interview for a different position I applied for w/ a major contractor next week.

Funny:
Bibles to Boats
A young man from Nebraska moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid replies, "Yeah, I was one of the best Bible salesman back in Omaha."

The boss liked the kid and gave him the job. "You can start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. "How many customers bought something from you today?” The kid responds, "One."

The boss says, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

"$101,237.65. "

"$101,237.65? Holy Mother Mary! What did you sell to him?"

"First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium fish hook. Then, I sold him a larger fish hook. Then, I sold him a new fishing rod. Then, I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then, he said he didn't think his car would pull it, so I took him down to the automobile department and sold him a 4x4 truck with all the bells and whistles."

"A guy came in here to buy a fish hook, and you sold him a boat and a truck?!"

"No, the guy came in here to buy feminine products for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot. You should go fishing.'"
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House', for instance, is feminine: 'la casa...'
'Pencil', however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether 'computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation. )
Preface this posting with: I came to LJ to post the funny, and the Writer's Block was related :)

Writer's Block: Kids or child-free?
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While I have a wonderful son, I fully believe I would have been equally happy, in different ways, if I had continued child-free. There would obviously be certain experiences that one misses when you do not have children (whether bio or adopted), but there are others that having child(ren) makes difficult if not impossible, even with a partner.

I was just never a overly maternal person. I also have learned that due to mostly bio-reasons, I will not have another child, but would not be against being a Step-mom or adopting w/ a new SO.

-----
Can I borrow $5?

A woman came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find her 5-year old son waiting for her at the door )

Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.
Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, )


Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous.... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients  )

*Disclaimer: Not responsible for spewed beverages or flying food particles*

Dunno if I want to be in this office
Gotten from another list, had to share. My son = #5

Think before you speak...

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -
the last one is great!
Have you ever spoken and wished that you could
immediately take the words back...
or that you could crawl into a hole?
Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did..... )
From my USA Today Faith & Religion board.... bless you Fast Hawg

What Religion is Your Bra?

A man walked into the ladies department of Myer's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, 'I'd like to buy a bra for my wife. '

' What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man, 'There's more than one type?'
' Look around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, color and material imaginable.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from .'

Relieved, the man asked about the types.

The saleslady replied: 'There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?'

Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them. The Saleslady responded,

'It is all really quite simple.

The Catholic type supports the masses;
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen;

The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright;
The Baptist type makes mountains out of molehills.'


Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used

to define bra sizes? If you have wondered why, but couldn't figure out what the letters stood for,

it is about time you became informed!

(A} Almost Breasts*... (*stupid word police)
{B} Barely there...
{C} Can't Complain!..
{D} Dang!...
{DD} Double dang!...
{E} Enormous!...
{F} Fake...
{G} Get a Reduction...
{H} Help me, I've fallen and I can't get up!...



They forgot the German bra: Holtzemfrumfloppen
We all know Piglet & pooh are best friends (work safe) )

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May 2012

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